Outside
by gospdrcr
Summary: CarlyLorenzo..told from Carly's POV..just a bit of fluff...songfic


Title: Outside Author: Ann Summary: Carlo Songfic.it made sense when I heard the song Disclaimer: Not mine.don't sue Distribution: ok just let me know if you want it and where it's going Song Credit: Staind Outside  
  
And you  
  
Bring me to my knees  
  
Again  
  
All the times  
  
That I could beg you please  
  
In vain  
  
All the times  
  
That I felt insecure  
  
For you  
  
And I leave  
  
My burdens at the door  
  
I still remember the first time I heard this song.I was in my car, back when I drove, and I had just seen the supposed love of my having sex with his lawyer.IN MY FREAKING BED.okay I am not gonna get worked up over this.it will all be okay.breathe Carly breathe, okay so I am on my way to Jake's, don't ask me what I was thinking, but anyway, so I was on my way to Jake's and I hadn't paid attention to what radio station was on, and all of a sudden this song was blaring. I think I turned the radio up when it came on, but I remember thinking, no one will ever know me like that. No one will ever see me to the core and recognize themselves. For a long time I thought that was how Jason saw me, but not really, he saw me saw all the ugliness sure, but it was never reflected back into him. He never knew what it felt like to be that ugly, to feel the shame of regret. I have always known Sonny would never really know me. In the way that he should, like a friend does, he never really respected me enough or cared enough or whatever enough to really see exactly how I was ugly. He always knew it was there, but he projected his own regrets onto me.he never really accepted my mistakes.  
  
But I'm on the outside  
  
I'm looking in  
  
I can see through you  
  
See your true colors  
  
'Cause inside your ugly  
  
You're ugly like me  
  
I can see through you  
  
See to the real you  
  
Of all the men in my life the only one that I think sees me, or that image of myself, is one of the few friends I have. I told him that we weren't friends though. And, the truth is we really aren't friends. I told him some of my secrets he told me some of his, but that bond that will never break for true friendship, I don't know if we have it or not. I do know that if I ever needed anything he would help me, but is that truly a friendship. I don't know.  
  
All the times  
  
That I felt like this won't end  
  
It's for you  
  
And I taste  
  
What I could never have  
  
It was from you  
  
All the times  
  
That I've cried  
  
My intentions  
  
Full of pride  
  
But I waste  
  
More time than anyone  
  
He has experienced loss. Not the way I have but he did lose something that he loved more than anything. That bonds us I guess, but really the way he sees me, he respects me, knows what I have done. He knows that I am not perfect, the same way I know he isn't. I mean for god's sake he deals drugs, but everybody's got to make a living right. He is a good man; trapped in a life he never really wanted. That is his ugliness. The bitterness that he won't admit. The regret of knowing that history is doomed to repeat itself if he doesn't learn from it. I think that is why he is trying so hard to not let me become an obsession. An obsession over a woman killed his brother. So I watch him, he is standing there, looking out over the water. I know that he is thinking of me, the same way he knows that I am thinking of him. I went back to my husband knowing that I would never really have that once in a lifetime love. That fairytale, I don't deserve it.  
  
But I'm on the outside  
  
And I'm looking in  
  
I can see through you  
  
See your true colors  
  
'Cause inside you're ugly  
  
You're ugly like me  
  
I can see through you  
  
See to the real you  
  
All the times  
  
That I've cried  
  
All this wasted  
  
It's all inside  
  
And I feel  
  
All this pain  
  
Stuffed it down  
  
It's back again  
  
And I lie  
  
Here in bed  
  
All alone  
  
I can't mend  
  
But I feel  
  
Tomorrow will be OK  
  
I will always be on the outside looking into what could have been. I will always look at him, my Lorenzo, and know that he is my other half. One day we will be together and it will be a fairy tale. But until then I will stand here and wait. Wait for it all to begin. Never letting on that I can see him the same way he sees me. Never telling him, that when he looks at me my insides melt and all I want to do is smile, to see him smile at me. I want to wake up in his arms. I fell alone, feel cold without his arms around me, holding me, caring for me.  
  
Loving Me. Until then I stand here, out in the cold, looking into my future  
  
But I'm on the outside  
  
And I'm looking in  
  
I can see through you  
  
See your true colors  
  
'Cause inside you're ugly  
  
You're ugly like me  
  
I can see through you  
  
See to the real you 


End file.
